At the dawning of my thirties
After decades of misery,
God moved and began to
Totally transform my life.

He moved on me in the midst
of the movement I was in
To break chains off of me
that I had never thought could break.

I don’t by any means
understand all that was happening
Around me and to me.
I don’t pretend to presume it was all bad
Because it wasn’t.

There was much goodness and joy
and communion with God.
It was one of the most precious,
important times of my life

Because it was when I finally
Forsook so many familiar sins
And finally laid my life down to Jesus.

But looking back I see it was
God’s mercy and grace.
It was a granting of repentance
and a work of God moving
in spite of serious errors I was in
….And surrounded by.

But then, I hit a wall.
And it was the beginning of many long years
Of just. being. stuck.

But...I JUST COULDN’T SEE IT,
for more years than I’d like to admit.
I JUST COUDLN’T SEE
That most of the healing methods, formulas, and “warfare”
I PUSHED AND PUSHED AND PUSHED
All pretty much hurt me more than they helped.

I ALWAYS blamed myself for my failure, though
For MY lack of faith, unwillingness, and apparent inability
to piece it all together.
Even though I worked myself to the bone
Trying to make it all fit.
And assumed the problem was ME.

I had thought…
"surely ONE day all these things will help me…
I just have to persevere."
But they just never did.
And the “breakthrough freedom” never came
As my hope began to drain

I watched the years go by
Time, energy and resources…
Were just. gone.

And I felt frozen inside.
TORMENTED by the fear
That I had MUST'VE failed God.

The weight of discouragement
heavy on my shoulders.
The only way to escape WAS to escape
And JUST. STOP. THINKING.
JUST. STOP. HOPING.
Hoping just hurt too darn much.

It started to feel like a farce
An illusion or cruel game.
So I’d just STARE into DISTRACTION
and try and forget for a little while
that NONE OF IT WAS WORKING.
While life passed on by.

Hope deferred
Made my heart sick…
Holding on tight to a fantasy
And misplacing the blame
I just couldn’t discern
The true reason for my pain.

Maybe it was that God was weak?
Maybe the devil had too much power?
Maybe I was just caught in the crossfire
And a casualty of their battle?
Maybe my “generational curses”
And my destiny were just too “great?”

Why wasn’t all the inner healing,
Deliverance and healing prayer working?
Why wasn’t I able to renew my mind?
Why did I still feel
so much condemnation all the time?

Why did I always just feel WORSE
after many a "healing prayer" session"
after supposedly receiving from GOD?

And then….at first slowly in half slumber
I started to awaken from my sick bed
EVERYTHING around me started SHAKING
But I didn’t want to be stirred
My eyes began to fight the light
And so I tossed and turned for a while.

And…
then I relented and gave up my fight.

I woke up one day
And things started to change.
God began to open my eyes
To things I’d NEVER considered.
He pulled back the veil from my eyes...

I WAS FINALLY AWAKE.

And just like that the process began
The scales began to fall off of my eyes.
As the words “POISONOUS DOCTRINE”
Flashed inside my mind.
I’d been ingesting it for years
And it had made me sickly in my soul.

It had left me utterly exhausted and spent
Confused and so alone
In my silent misery
That so few saw
Because IF they saw
They’d see I didn’t have "enough faith"
"perseverance" or "power of will."

And God began to show me
terrible but necessary things
Like the corruption in my heart and motivations,
How I’d coveted supernatural power
How I’d had pride in my spiritual gifts.
How I’d been bewitched by false teaching
And how I’d been fully complicit.

And then He asked me to step away
From all that I had known
(Well I say “He asked”
but it was more of a command.)

He asked me to question so many things I’d been taught,
So many things I had been partaking in...
And so began the greatest undoing of my life.

Despite the arguments
from those who didn't understand,
I kept following Christ into the unknown
As doubt and fear assailed.
BUT I SIMPLY KNEW GOD WAS TELLING ME TO GO.

But making that decision all by myself
was part of the growth
A gift God was giving me
Like a doe getting on it’s feet
Or a bird using it wings for the first time.
I made my choice to follow Him at any cost
and it turned out to be the best choice of my life.

I couldn't depend on any mediator between God and myself
other than the man Christ Jesus anymore.
I could no longer allow people on the pedestal of my heart.
No more making theologies and formed ideas about God from anyone other than God and His Word.

And so I began to take Him at HIS Word,
Not the words of mere men.
No more getting approval for every choice from anyone other than God.
No more believing that I couldn’t hear God for myself
No more of the thought that I CAN’T...
Or I'm TOO WEAK and BROKEN and INFERIOR.
No more I NEED A PERSON TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO or
I'll
be
lost.
NO. MORE.

I had to grow up
and God had to take the reins of my heart
and the helm of my life.

I began with the research.
Questioning all I’d been taught.
Asked God to help me keep what was of Him
And throw out what was not.

I started listening to new teachers and teachings
I had never heard before.
And I began to grow
like I hadn’t grown in years.

I watched the film “American Gospel”
And it was a soothing balm
on a painful open wound.
It convicted me, yet I felt sickened
Realizing the falsehoods I’d believed.

I came to terms with the fact that I’d been fooled.

I’d been led astray by people who didn’t have a clue
What they were doing
They really don’t seem to see it
I believe they have good intentions
But good intentions are meaningless
when they only lead to ruin.

Truth began to still the storm in my heart
And all the answers to questions
I hadn’t been able to articulate
Were being given to me
like the most refreshing gift.
That fed my starving soul with TRUTH.

Oh, the fear and anxiety I felt
Before I understood and grasped
the sovereignty of God!
Totally mixed up
with no solid understanding
Of what was God’s job
And what was mine.

Under that false paradigm
That once poisoned my life,
God had limitations
And His power was paralyzed without
My permission, my words, my works.

What I was taught
in a round about way…
Seemed to make the devil sovereign
And elevated man
They made God seem so puny
As I felt left to the wind...

It was all about
“my authority to stop the devil from attacking me”
From “stealing from me,”
And it never. worked.
In fact…it just got worse.
And I grasped for some semblance of sanity
While all seemed lost in my world.

Now when I look back,
I can clearly see
That I was inadvertently trying
to take up God’s job,
For myself,
and to help “save” others.
Some would even call it
a “savior complex”

BUT people had told me beautiful lies
That filled my heart with false hope
They told me that I could pay
For other people’s freedom
With my own suffering!
That the “special anointing” I was being prepared for
Would “cost me.”

And so I perceived every battle I faced
As some kind of attack on the greatness
Within me.
That I was “making payments”
Ahead of time for God’s “supernatural power”
to heal others
and that I’d become one of “God’s generals”
If I overcame well enough and "passed the tests."

Looking back it was so egomaniacal,
So vain and so ridiculous
As if I, a sinful human, could
PAY for OTHER PEOPLE’S freedom
With my suffering.
AS If I was ENTITLED to God’s power
And the more I suffered,
the more I thought I was owed.

On top of those crazy lies,
They had told me it was
ALWAYS God’s will to heal…
Which stole my peace
And heaped on toxic condemnation
As I blamed myself for my torment
Oh, “if I’d only had enough faith”

We were taught to bind demons and loose-
Well I really don’t know what??
It seems no one ever bothered to look
At what the Bible really says in context
That when the Scriptures speak of “binding”
It was talking about CHURCH DISCIPLINE
And what is permitted and disallowed.

They taught WE have to take authority over Satan,
That is was OUR job to do.
So we addressed the devil directly
Ignoring 2 Peter and Jude

We acted as if we were above Scripture
As we brashly ignored God’s commands.
But the only time Scripture teaches us
to address demons
is to send them out of a man.

Otherwise we’re to pray by supplication
And trust God to provide.
Going out of bounds of Scripture
is highly unwise.

But they go on making excuses
For all their false prophecies
Spouting off the same old lines
Of “the devil really stole that”
Or “the people didn’t pray
All the while looms
Deuteronomy 18 verse 22

There’s no submission to the Sovereignty of God.
No prayer by supplication,
no admission that it
might not be God’s will.
But in their way of thinking
It always comes down to prosperity and health.

They claim everything that happens
Seemingly unpleasant is the devil
And he needs to be rebuked
They try to decree and declare away
Their suffering and trials
Not considering GOD may be at work.

Distortions, twisting,
And misrepresentation of Scripture
A verse or two ripped out of context
Thrown in for good measure
To prove whatever they want it to mean
Making supposed godliness
all about earthly treasures.

The way to get people to believe a lie
Is to mix it in with some truth
Tell them what they want to hear
And you’ll fill up every room.
Promise power, glory, and their heart’s desire
And they’ll gladly hand you their cash
All the while you’re justifying
“it’s for ‘God’ this isn’t bad!”

I cannot begin to imagine
How these practices grieve the Lord
And disrespect His name
As many blaspheme His reputation
And teach and prophesy
for shameful gain.

I cannot begin to thank the Lord enough
For opening my eyes
For granting me repentance
And revealing the lies
Oh so many lies I was caught up in.

I have felt the shame of it all,
And felt Godly sorrow
for all of the ways
I once disrespected Him
Without even knowing it.

Even though I didn’t know what I was doing,
I still can’t believe I didn’t question
All the things that seemed so right to me at the time
That were directly refuted in God’s Word.

The only explanation is
that I was under a grand delusion.
How else could I have been reading my Bible
While not fully computing
the words on its pages?

Not seeing the stark difference
between what my Bible said
and much of what was being taught?

Thinking Biblical accountability was legalism
And choosing the traditions
of those I admired
and looked up to
Over the very Word of God?

I guess God allowed me
to go down that path for a reason
And maybe one day
I’ll know a bit more why.
For now I am just humbled by God's mercy,
And glad to be free of the lies.

Sound, Biblical teaching
has been putting together a puzzle
That’s pieces used to mock me
As they lay scattered on the ground

I turned off all the sounds of
The confusing double speak.
Left behind the mixed messages.
Bailing on the contradictions.
All the man made ideas

No more being enamored by mystical mirages
that failed the test of time and truth…

NO MORE IGNORING THE ROTTEN FRUIT.

And I have FINALLY found the freedom
All the other methods
could never seem to provide.
After all it’s the TRUTH
that sets us free and I’d heard that many times

But never heard it rightly
Until God changed my heart
I came out from under the leaven of false teaching
And there's no going back.

The SIMPLE GOSPEL of
grace alone
by faith alone
in Christ alone
SAVED MY LIFE.

To think, all the answers I needed were
Right in front of my face in my dusty Bible
The. whole. dang. time.

"Make them holy by your truth; Lord, teach them your word, which is truth."- John 17:17

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."- John 8:32

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”- Matthew 7:24