Here's a poem I just wrote about my life and testimony. It's a bit long but if you feel led to, please read. I suppose I will name it "He Came for Me."

Enduring has been the food of my youth…
Trouncing down victory and solidity my only good choice.
Clawing and pulling myself to get to God and His promises is what it’s felt like.
A push here, a shove there,
I stand, I wait, I press,
I am reduced and broken down
Over and over again
Blindfolded with the only choice to take faith’s hand
I was born into worldly privilege that’s cost
sought to claim my soul
Out of the womb and into heated battle
I was thrust into a war not of my own making
My once new eyes like a deer’s in the headlights
Innocent and unassuming of the road I would have to walk
To just. get. free. became my only desire in this life
To scrap, to fight, to overcome, to take back rights that seemed to have never been given to me in the first place.
I was stolen from before I had a chance to possess anything.
My worldly advantages were a mirage,
A cruel joke
A phantasm
While ones around me insulted and jeered
Why can’t she just get her life together?
They couldn’t see the bridge-less chasm that lay before me.
Because from the beginning torment stalked me.
Living from terror to terror
I cried out to my Mother and Father “I’m scared”
But it seemed no one could really hear me, though they tried.
No one could see the silent gaping reason,
The mystery behind my life’s dilemma, save from God.
I had been given over to shattering,
And shattered I became.
Shards of broken dreams and
Personality scattered to the wind
Why was the enemy allowed to win? I’d think
Why was I accursed?
When you don’t know who you are,
You won’t know what to do
And life will ever elude you
I once had no solid dreams to hold
No goals for which to strive
Because all I wanted was to hide and escape
The pain that had become my very life.
My heart bled out night and day as I pretended to lead my life
Just waiting for a chance to lose what was left of me to anyone who would stay
No matter how dark and depraved was the “love” they gave
I didn’t care about myself
I didn’t even know who that was.
All I knew was scared and lost and bitter and alone.
Unmotivated save for scavenging scraps of temporal good feeling.
To feel anything safe, good, and comforting
Even if it meant hiding away and forfeiting all,
I would sell my inheritance for a chance to not have to choose anything
Because living meant caring and caring meant loving myself
Something I had never had a chance to do.
A piece of me here, a piece of me there,
Who could say who the me in me actually was?
I couldn’t.
I found myself a bird with clipped wings,
Who had forgotten how to sing
Or the reason for a song.
I lived in a cage of fear that’s open door mocked me
I never even had a chance.

No one but God knows the miracle it took for me to finally break free.
No one but God fully comprehends just how bad it got.
And no one but God was strong enough to emancipate me.
He has been putting me back together.
A shattered vase that could only be repaired by its Maker
I became about redemption,
My life became a song that no one thought could be sung.
A spontaneous occurrence of miraculous power
Willed by the sovereignty and faithfulness of God
He had known all along what He planned
His ideas and thoughts and dreams for me
High above the plots and schemes, prisons, and plans for my doom,
He sung a higher song over me
One the enemy of my life could not comprehend
He danced a dance over me
That made the devils who'd tried to steal my life tremble
and broke my shackles free.
I didn’t know much but I know the One who came for me
I know Him better than I know myself
Because He was the One I met before I met myself and the One I fully trust.
The me I know is in Him and the Him I know in me
The one I was always set apart to be

And so I say today
do not despise your shackles and the darkness in your past,
Do not hate the brokenness of your path,
Everything you walked and were and became and endured
Was for your highest good.
To be one who knows and lives and breathes the fellowship of His wounds.
Who thus knows His heart, His joy, His peace,
In the most tenderest forms that forever endure
And create in you a light so bright the devils who tormented you will shiver in fright.
To know the joy unspeakable and filled with His glory
The joy that promises to come in the morning.
You cannot know the value of the warmth of the Sun
Unless you’ve known the dark of the night
All of it will have been worth it in the end
To be found a most faithful and trusted friend
Who knows what it’s like to be broken then fixed
To be shattered then whole
And one who’s gaze is wholly fixed upon the Lover of its soul
Because He is the One who came for you.

Make my life an instrument of your Love and glory, Lord.
I know now it was always all about You.

To be transparent, another really hard part of coming out of lifelong trauma and being a survivor is the seeming delay or lack of fruition it can cause in your life of blessings, dreams and fulfillment of your destiny and calling. Does anyone relate to that? To be completely real, it is often difficult and painful to watch other people thrive and have great God-confidence and self confidence who are sometimes much younger than you, who seemed to have a way shorter time of waiting and preparation, and who are seemingly way more successful. I know we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others and vice versa and that jealousy isn't something we are to ruminate in, but it is a very real struggle for the survivor who feels like we've been forever climbing an exhaustingly steep mountain just to get to a place of healing and peace as the trauma of our past has had to come off in layers because it all went SO deep. It doesn't seem fair, but fair and jealousy speaks of comparison and life isn't a comparison game. Life should be about God's will and purpose for each individual and we should keep it that simple. There is a very real grief, though, when people must pay tangible, painful prices because of what was done to them or from the wounds the enemy inflicted on them. I know there is a higher truth, however, that there are also very real places of honor for survivors such as this in the Kingdom. There is a depth of humility, meekness and kinship with the sufferings of Christ that is developed in us that is expensive and rare. We have to stop looking at the precious people that we feel less than next to and start looking up and looking inward, but not in criticism and self-doubt. No, we must look with honor and wonder at what the Lord is doing in US too. We must walk away from and repent of the tendency to tear others down out of feelings of inferiority and know it's all really an illusion that will fade as we have more time walking with the Lord. We must remember those feelings are natural and part of the journey to restoration but not stay stuck in them. We simply must acknowledge them to God and thank Him for victory over such thoughts and feelings as we know He is building us up in Himself to a new and fresh perspective. We have to remember we are all so different and we have something just as unique to share and bless our neighbor through the pain even though we don't always FEEL it, we begin by WILLING it. A religious person might say they celebrate others and their victories with a smile on their face, scared to admit the truth creeping behind, but a real person would say they desperately WANT to always celebrate others victories and accomplishments but that they often fall short and are embracing the process with the Lord to get to a place where they really do. And...we must remember that if we suffer with or for Christ, that we will also glory with Him. We can be sure when we continue to persevere in God and continue to love and serve Him no matter what, that He is developing in us character, humility, and compassion that is rare. As the Scriptures say "He who forgiveth much, loveth much." (Ref. Luke 7:47) There are many people we will be able to relate to and reach that those who haven't been to the same depths of despair and pain and suffering simply won't have the same experiential knowledge to help. And we can be assured that the prices we might've paid and the things in life we weren't able to have or the things that seemed to be delayed because we were healing, will be for us as an eternal weight of glory and exceeding joy in the life to come, and an intimacy with Christ that is priceless.
Maybe there's more to the story than we have yet to see? But I know this, Jesus sees all and none of it will be wasted. None of the suffering, none of the time waiting while our wounds healed...NONE of it will be thrown away and forgotten because, to the Lord, that kind of journey is beyond price and is one of the nearest and dearest things to His heart. The martyrs, the ones forgotten by others, the suffering innocents...they have a great treasure awaiting them in Heaven. What a beautiful offering and testimony to the Lord is the life of an overcomer who's walked through the refiner's fire and gives Jesus all the glory!  If you are struggling in any of these ways, know you're not alone! I am still struggling through it all. We are seen and heard by God and we know He is just and faithful and true. We will come out of the process shining as gold and we can trust the Lord to finish the good work He began in us until the very end. Even if we don't see victory in this life over the things we so wrestle to overcome, we know we will have it in the life to come if we endure and keep standing in Christ and we can be assured by God, that it will all be worth it. 💗

Compassion is almost more important than any other human emotion. It is the clean, sharp edge that cuts free dams of love being held back by fear, misunderstanding, and hardness of heart. It can melt offense off our hearts like wax turned as thin as water. And because it is warm, it comes from Life, and is filled with fire and light. Compassion looks at all the reasons why people do the things they do. It looks at all the information, and puts rash and quick judgements to shame. If we would lean into God's heart over every person we might have a problem with, and learn what HE says about them, what they might have had to overcome or the battles they've faced, we might save ourselves from the pain that judgement and criticism bring. In this way, having compassion on others means having compassion on OURSELVES too. For outside of repentance, we are promised to receive back the judgement we try to measure out onto others. One of the things I love most about the Father, though, is that even when we miss the mark and wax cold in our compassion for OTHERS, He sees the why behind OUR own inability. Even while we sin, the Lord has compassion on us in our handicap, and burns to set us free....to heal our hearts from hardness, wisely discerning that the root of that hardness probably stems from a lack of love and acceptance for ourselves, and from the outward affection and acceptance that was most likely withheld from us by others. He sees every. single. instance. that may have happened contributing to our current state, and wants to address it all, knowing that must happen first for the cycle to be healed. Yes, the eyes of our Fathers heart are wise and true and trustworthy, round and complete and whole, always pouring out mercy liberally, reserving His anger carefully, and giving ample chance for every single person's wholeness, forgiveness, and redemption. This is compassion, and the Father teaches it well.